LIfe marches on

The last couple of months have been amazing, heart-breaking, fun, sad and everything in between. Thank God I have good friends who have helped me out.

The last week I have been emotionally disengaging from someone very, very special and moving on - it was hard when someone can get into your life so easily. This was the second time she declared that it wasn't working. The first time we sorted stuff out and I thought it was going to work. Certainly she gave all the right indications second time round and as we got to know each other we revealed private parts of our lives and personalities that few see. We talked and talked and made up and had fun and things moved along so well. Maybe this spooked her. I don't know. She didn't tell me.

So on my goddamn birthday - she told me that it wasn't working. We watched a film (a good film: CRASH) and this somehow dragged up some painful memories for her. It made her question herself and us and when we got back home she dropped the bomb on me. Talk about bad timing. The day and night was going so well too.

So we talked and I told her that it was now up to her. It wasn't me she said (how nice) but it didn't make a difference. My decision was made - it would be her for me. I had made that leap - could she follow? A week later, no she couldn't but lets be friends.

For me it was all or nothing and I wasn't prepared for scraps off her table and told her I was walking. Bye, bye - see ya, Elvis has left the building.

She was naturally shocked by what I said but did she honestly believe that I would be happy in the 'friend zone'? I have no idea how her other BFs think, but I am not like the others. No way.

I want to love someone who loves me, I want someone I can take a chance on who will take the same risk with me. It is symmetry and I came to realise that we didn't have it. Everything else is brilliant but for her, there was something missing, not quite right. Maybe she wanted more time? If so, I certainly didn't pressurise her. In fact, she was pushing herself to make these decisions. I was happy and content to take it one at a day at time and looking forward to another day.

I think to myself if I could have done more or said something different. For the first time in my life, I did everything I could and have no regrets. I first met her on the 24th March 2005 (that long ago?) but we didn't date until a few weeks later. Wow - 24th March?

I never give up and will hold onto the end - but only if there is a chance of success. So she needed to take a chance, a real, 100% dive-in, head first type of chance. She didnt and that is the biggest disappointment for me.

So I will look ahead for happiness as I always have done, I never look back into my past for it.

The month of September looks busy as does October and then christmas season.

Already, I have switched to a different Friday Salsa evening and it is fun. In fact, doing the salsa has allowed me to focus on my artistic side and my long awaited project of sorting out my photographs and negatives will be kick started this quarter as well.

Time to look up and move on.

Can't wait.